Thinning the Herd: An Adventure in Weight Loss and Improv

So, I am in an improvised weight loss show called Thinning the Herd. It’s amazing. You should check it out.  So, over the course of the next few months, fifteen of us are trying to lose weight and get in shape all the while making funny twice a week. There will be improv. There will be funny videos. There will be dancing. I love it already, and we had our opening night show last week.

Of course week one, I was the only one to gain weight.That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am currently in last place. For shame!

I told my friend Danielle, and her response was,“But you’re so competitive!”

Now that's competitive.

I know, right? I am indeed very competitive. I have, on occasion, crushed children in games of boggle, my family plays cut-throat scrabble, and I can’t watch college football cause it makes me *crazy*. So, a weight loss competition show should be right up my alley. 

So why the weight gain? I think it was two things really (or like fifteen, but let’s stick with two).

One, I was very stressed out. And two, chocolate is delicious. I think we have covered the chocolate is delicious part before in this here blog, but it really is worth revisiting. And here’s what I’ll say. Chocolate is delicious.

If these were my neighbors, they would be dead.

But my competitive drive has kicked in, and I’m on track now. So, expect to see a bajillion postings about this journey into exercise and eating food made of vegetables.

And dear readers. You will be happy to know that for the month of October, I am committing to posting every day. What? Yes. Every day. And I don't mean "every day." I mean every day. So get ready. Cause I think it’s about time I actually got my shit together.

Kisses,

Jen

New Vocabulary: College Application Edition

Hey there kiddos, here are a few new words care of my high school students and I.It's college application season, so busy busy. And some genius ideas.

Frankenessay (noun) A college application essay that you cobble together from your other application essays, hoping that it makes sense.

Did you write your essay for Duke yet?

Yeah, but it’s a Frankenessay.

Run-on-and-on (to the tune of Mannah Mannah Do do do do do): (noun) A sentence the length of a paragraph, or you know a short novel.

You need to cut that run-on-and-on; it’s like fifteen sentences strung together, and admisions committees don’t like it when your sentences are too long, and they don’t make good sense all of the time--know what I mean? 

Yeah, Like I"m totally sorry, or whatever. 

Apololie (noun) To apologize even though you don’t mean it AT ALL. Often this is clear from your tone of voice. (Thanks Lacy for this one!)

Teacher: Did she apologize to you like I asked?

Student: Yeah, but it was an apololie.

Awkward Encounters with the Male Species

When people are trying to lose weight, some of them might be trying to get back to their “fighting weight.” Or possibly people they want to get to their “pre-baby weight” or their “swim team weight.” Some people think into the future and want to be at their “I’m at my high school reunion and everyone can kiss my booty” weight. I am at none of these weights currently, but it seems that I may have reached my “threshold for awkward encounters with men” weight.

Most awkward picture I could find. 

I have recently lost about ten pounds, and I am now at that level of cuteness wherein strange men are starting to pay me attention again. It was kind of restful running under the radar for a while there. But it seems that I must now choose to either eat more chocolate, or deal with the attention of really random menfolk. And I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but the dudes I attract are RANDOM. I’m pretty sure that anyone who has traveled with me can attest to this. Of course, that is like eight blogs right there. I digress. 

Now let me make it clear, that while some of this awkwardness can definitely be attributed to the fact that the strangers I attract tend to be pretty strange, I too must take some of this blame. I have the super-helpful ability to turn even a perfectly respectable flirtation into a completely awkward situation. For instance, if another girl had a perfectly normal guy come up and talk to her at the gym, I’m pretty sure she would talk to him and not run away with a look of shock and confusion on her face, only to realize five minutes later that he was indeed flirting and not a serial killer. 

So let me tell you the story that made me realize once and for all that the awkward Olympics was soon to commence. My brother and I often go to this Vietnamese restaurant in North Austin. We have been there many times before. We will often sit there for an hour or two catching up on a Monday afternoon. We have seen this one guy who works there many a time before, and I am a bit under the impression that he owns the place. He is probably around fifty years old, and I would hazard a guess that his first language is not English. 

So, my brother and I have had the check for about five minutes, when the guy comes by, hands me the fortune cookies from off the check, and then hands my brother the check. I start laughing a little at what seems to me to be a) super unexpected, b) pretty sexist and c) some sort of confusion wherein this dude thinks my brother and I are a bit closer than all that, cause I’m pretty sure there is no rule wherein younger brothers are forced to pick up the check (although I would fully support that cultural practice). He then waits there until my brother pulls out a credit card and gives it to him.  (*note: to any waiters in the crowd, he did not do this because he was getting off shift because he was there for at least another hour and a half and there were plenty of empty tables.)

When he walks away, we talk about the unusualness of this encounter, but no harm done as my brother often picks up the check because he feels sorry for me and my doctoral student income. But then, the dude comes back, and he is talking to me and making jokes that I can’t quite understand, which I smile politely at because I have no idea what he is saying to me.  I think there’s a compliment in there somewhere, and he seems nervous about something, and then he tells me he is giving me his phone number and it’s on the bill. What? Surely not. Not after he just made this brotherly dude I am with pick up the check. But there it is, the number of the restaurant. I can make neither heads nor tales of this, but it reminds me strongly of when the parents of my students used to hit on me in Spanish. 

                Parent: “Sus ojos son regalos.”

                Me: Um… como?

                Parent: Your eyes. They are gifts.

                Me. Oh. Um. Okay. Thank you. (Awkward smile)

In any case, this is not the first of the awkward encounters so far, nor is it the last, but it’s the one where I noticed the change in climate. Winter is coming. And you, dear reader, shall be kept abreast of further awkward situations as they develop.

Working on my Dissertation Proposal

What it LOOKS like

What it FEELS like

Skymall Never Fails

Whenever I’m thinking about things I may need on my journey to get my shit together, skymall often guides the way. For those of you not familiar, skymall is a magazine which takes a captive audience (people trapped on an airplane) and asks the question, didn’t you really need a lifesized bigfoot statue? No, well perhaps you might be interested in some crystal goblets shaped like your grandma or something made of diamonds for your dog. 

Now doofy as skymall is, I often find myself dying for certain items. For instance, I have been coveting the sodastream for years and years. Before mere mortals heard about this gadget which carbonates water on infomercials, I had heard of it at 20,00 feet. Or like 5000 feet. How high do planes get? 

And skymall has informed me about things that I still want like a pen that can translate text from another language. And, as someone who studies people for a living, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered all of the sneaky cameras and listening devices that skymall has to offer. (Try getting that past the IRB. “I will then record subjects in secret using a camera hidden in my ipod touch.” Ethics be damned!) 

Hey kid, play with this.

World's Dumbest Condiment

But recently, I think skymall has finally gone too far.  I mean, given the context, it takes quite a bit for me to be shocked. But here it is. For those of you who need a little more protein in your diet, try this: protein ketchup. For only $32 you too can be the proud owner of the world’s dumbest condiment. You know, for less, you could buy a steak or like 3 whole chickens to dip in your regular ketchup. Or possibly, you could buy a sterling silver ketchup dispenser which will chill and aerate your condiments. You know, something practical. Just saying.