Church’s Fried Chicken at 10 PM on a School Night

As a sociologist, sort of, I often find myself observing people with a critical eye. And to answer your question, yes I am probably eavesdropping on your conversation right now. But don’t worry. It’s for research. Well, “research.” Like facebook stalking an ex-boyfriend is “research.” Anyways, I digress. So I had such a sociological opportunity on Tuesday night when I had a craving for Church’s Fried Chicken on my way home from tutoring some kids. 

So if you are not familiar with Church’s chicken it falls somewhere between KFC and Popeye’s on the scale from upscale to questionable. To be fair, it’s really more on the questionable side. But delicious. I have this theory that they feed their chicken salt from birth. There really is no other explanation. If you rubbed this chicken on a wall, you could see kids playing on the other side. 

So as any of you who have been to a fast food restaurant late at night may know, things are usually pretty clown school. On this particular occasion, there was a line around the block at the drive thru, which I soon realized was due to the fact that this one girl inside, I’ll call her Angry, was yelling back and forth with a driver who was refusing to drive away. But this is the least of this place’s problems, because it is almost immediately clear that they are pretty much out of chicken. I can see two old pieces hanging out on the heating rack, and this guy in the back making some more. I think. Or getting high. One of those. 

So people inside and outside the restaurant get more and more angry as they continue not to be given any chicken.  And I totally felt bad for this one girl, a high school kid who I will call Angel, who was running around trying to get everything done while Angry just kept yelling back and forth at the drive thru people.

What baffles me though is why everyone is so outraged that the service is bad. Why are you expecting good service? We are in Church’s at 10 PM on a Tuesday. You can’t get good service in a Church’s in the middle of the day, even if you were the president (of Church’s or the United States). 

And secondly, why are you in such a hurry? You are in Church’s at 10 PM on a Tuesday?  Whatever important function you needed to attend, that ship has sailed. I mean really sailed. Take this time to calm yourself, and reflect on what has led you to this place in your life. Possibly it was the munchies, or you practice third dinner or you need to get your five year old a midnight snack. Of course god forbid you work the night shift and this is breakfast, in which case I apologize. I am sorry in every way possible. 

There’s this one furious, furious lady and I hear her getting someone’s name to report to the management. Who might you ask? Angel. And she asks Angry to get it for her. What? Where were you the last 20 minutes while Angry was chewing her nails and cursing out customers? 

I really think they should have just pretended to be closed. That would have been the hero’s way out. And then Angry wouldn’t have been yelling about how she wasn’t talking to the person at the drive thru because they were rude to her and she had the right to refuse service to anyone. 

Meanwhile, chaos reigns. I go and sit in the corner and pretend to check my phone while two guys come in to order a bucket. Well, unless a bucket is two pieces of cold chicken, everybody is now REALLY screwed. And the nice girl tries to give me my order, but they have no cream gravy! What! I can understand no chicken, but no cream gravy? You must have lost your damn mind. 

But instead of yelling, I pretend to cry, so the girl goes back into the depths and returns having made me some cream gravy. 

She tells me she’s not really good at this, and I tell her no worries. And I tell her good luck, cause she is going to need it. I get home, and this sweet angel has made me salty milk soup. Bless her little heart. It wasn’t that bad, if you closed your eyes.

Skymall Never Fails

Whenever I’m thinking about things I may need on my journey to get my shit together, skymall often guides the way. For those of you not familiar, skymall is a magazine which takes a captive audience (people trapped on an airplane) and asks the question, didn’t you really need a lifesized bigfoot statue? No, well perhaps you might be interested in some crystal goblets shaped like your grandma or something made of diamonds for your dog. 

Now doofy as skymall is, I often find myself dying for certain items. For instance, I have been coveting the sodastream for years and years. Before mere mortals heard about this gadget which carbonates water on infomercials, I had heard of it at 20,00 feet. Or like 5000 feet. How high do planes get? 

And skymall has informed me about things that I still want like a pen that can translate text from another language. And, as someone who studies people for a living, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered all of the sneaky cameras and listening devices that skymall has to offer. (Try getting that past the IRB. “I will then record subjects in secret using a camera hidden in my ipod touch.” Ethics be damned!) 

Hey kid, play with this.

World's Dumbest Condiment

But recently, I think skymall has finally gone too far.  I mean, given the context, it takes quite a bit for me to be shocked. But here it is. For those of you who need a little more protein in your diet, try this: protein ketchup. For only $32 you too can be the proud owner of the world’s dumbest condiment. You know, for less, you could buy a steak or like 3 whole chickens to dip in your regular ketchup. Or possibly, you could buy a sterling silver ketchup dispenser which will chill and aerate your condiments. You know, something practical. Just saying.

Great Philosophers Who Didn't Have Their Shit Together

So, as you may be able to tell, I don’t even have my shit together to an extent to actually post on this blog in a timely manner. Ah! Resolutions! But it occurs to me, that I’m not the only one who didn’t have their shit together. 

So, I’m staying with my friend C and she has an extensive library of awesome books. One struck my eye: Great Philosophers who Failed at Love. Which great philosophers you may ask? Pretty much all of them. I remember taking philosophy in college (what what Dr. Kane and Dr. Solomon) and not thinking at all about how these big brains were as people. And really, the thing that’s killing me is how many of them failed at life, not just love. 

It seems to me, that it’s much harder to listen to these people’s big ideas about life when you realize that they were total toolboxes*. Heidegger was a Nazi? WTF? What kind of philosophy gets you there? Nietzche went totally nuts from syphilis and had a psychotic break which lasted 11 years? Talk about a superman.

Does this all just supports Lisa Simpson’s stance on intelligence: 

(Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons, episode 257, 

January 7, 2001).

Maybe it’s just a reminder to live life outside of your brain. 

Of course it also makes me feel better. Maybe I’m not working to my full potential, but I’m also not currently being poisoned by a witch. I have that going for me. And in most cases, probably so do you.

*Toolbox: someone who is so much of a tool, that they have the strength of an entire toolbox.

Well, it wasn't 2011

So, It wasn’t 2011. Every year I say that this is the year that I will really get my business in order. I will lose weight. I’ll finish my dissertation. I’ll clean my apartment. I’ll stop hoarding boxes of cereal. Stuff like that. It’s like I expect to magically change into a brand new, highly improved human person. 

My birthday comes about 2 weeks after new years, so I usually skip new year’s resolutions and go right to by the time I’m 34 I will have these things achieved. So, like the procrastinator I am, I get an extra two weeks before I have to start any reform movements. 

This year, what I would like is for you to come with me as I try to improve my life through the use of juice fasts (stupid stupid), hot yoga (stupider stupider), normal people exercise, normal people eating right, normal people binging on thai food and cookies. Stuff like that. 

So in the next few weeks as I get ready to get started (oh procrastination! Doesn’t this sound promising). I will tell you a little bit about myself.