The Time Machine for Petty Adjustments

I have always enjoyed thinking of myself as a good and reasonable person.  And as a good and reasonable person, I have often thought about what I should do if I ever had a time machine in my possession. These important, world altering events would of course include killing Hitler, and possibly getting George W. Bush arrested for cocaine possession in the 70s. And of course, like every right-minded person, I would help myself to win the lottery.

The Hamlet 2 Time Machine (if ever a story needed a time machine)

Of course, if I was truly honest with myself, this is not what I would use a time machine for. I would use a time machine to do truly stupid things to make my own life microscopically better. I might for instance go back in time and prevent my drunken self from dragging someone into the bathroom to tell him that “I loved him” in 2005. Or, I might just do something like turn in my taxes on time or never go to grad school. And maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have jumped off this one cliff in Jamaica and busted my shoulder. 

This is why I think that it’s fine that time machines don’t exist yet. Because like me, most scientists I’m sure have a ton of things about their lives that they wouldn’t mind changing. Especially scientists that have decided to work on a time machine.

Scientist #1: Quick sir, we only have moments to travel back and prevent World 

War III.

Scientist #2: Just give me a second, I need to find the exact time that Cindy James refused to dance with me because I was wearing bell bottoms.

Quick Steve! Send me to prom 1978!

It’s like how we as a people invented a way to be connected to everyone all the time.  Instant global communication. And what do we use the internets for? Stalking people we think are hot. Or becoming facebook friends with people who were mean to us in high school, and watching their photos for signs of beer belly, grey hair, and general wear and tear. 

So no time machine for me I guess, because as much as I hate all the dumb shit I’ve done in my life it’s pretty clear that our mistakes (Attention: After School Special Moment) make us who we are. Just try to make most of them without the help of tequila. And please, don’t vote for anyone that I’m going to need to time machine.