I would kill for some chocolate

Ah, do I have a tale to tell you. So three weeks ago, I tried to entirely give up sugar and artificial sweeteners cold turkey. I felt very proud of myself, and not a little superior. Oh yes, and I was cutting back on caffeine and unhealthy fats too. No more diet soda even. While at first this only created in my life sad headaches and general malaise, in the end, this combination of unmet desires led to the perfect storm… chocolate cravings that made me want to rip people’s faces off. 

Since you are all still alive my precious, precious friends, you know what has happened. I sacrificed my plan for healthy living in order to save all of your lives. I continued to eat my healthy diet which precluded fat, caffeine and sugar, and then I would eat a truly disturbing amount of chocolate, which replaced all the fat, caffeine and sugar I had so humbly been trying to avoid. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I fought it off for a while. I made it ten days where the sweetest thing I had was an apple slice. My dad had to recently reform his diet, and after a few weeks of no artificial sweeteners and very little sugar, he described an orange as “nectar of the gods.” I too wanted to reach this transcendental place where I might start crying when I had a little honey. And I really did eat “clean” for a week and a half. I ate a lot of grapes and grilled chicken, egg whites and fennel. 

And then, I remembered that I was made of people and needed some people food. Like an f-ing twinkie. We as a people did not thwart god’s will and create plastic and aspartame and late night television so that I could muddle about with organic vegetables and lean proteins. 

But I wasn’t giving up that easily. Oh no. I certainly wasn’t going to admit defeat and BUY chocolate. But then I happened upon a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips hidden in my freezer. Those made it a day and a half. And then it was truly on. Oh was it ever. I ate every chocolate thing in my apartment. I made chocolate frosting. I poured hershey’s syrup on peanut butter (protein!). I made family-sized brownies and didn’t share. I found another bag of chocolate chips. And all the while eating lean protein and healthily prepared vegetables. 

Tina gets it.

Moral of the story? If I was in that Stephen King story Quitters Inc. and it was about chocolate instead of cigarettes, my whole family would be missing their pinky toes. 

But I live to fight another day. And I have learned my lesson. I think that lesson is something about… um. Yeah.