Stupid Caffeine, A Love Story

So, I am currently trying to break up with caffeine. I’ve tried in the past, and you know, caffeine just didn’t want to hear any of that mess. Caffeine said, “Oh girl, stop playing. You’ll be back.” And I was. Again and again. 

I’m not really into coffee or lattes or any of that. I’m a diet dr. pepper kind of girl. A few years ago, I gave up coca cola, which was a feat not unlike climbing a mountain barefoot with a monkey as a blindfold. Because I love coca cola. I love it like well-adjusted people love actual human beings. 

Slurm:Futurama::Coca Cola: Earth

Here is an analogy for those of you who watch Futurama, or you know, who can read this summary of a Futurama episode. Slurm is the most popular soda in Futurama and Fry’s favorite drink. And in one episode we find out where Slurm comes from. Out of this alien’s butt ( below). Does Fry care? No. He just wants more. And when I saw this episode, I thought to myself, “exactly.” They have captured exactly how I feel about soda. I don’t care if you can use it as paint thinner. I don’t care if coca cola is an evil corporation. And, I certainly don’t care that you can use it with lemon to get rid of all of your teeth. Teeth are fleeting. Soda is forever. 

But despite this love, I dumped real coca cola, and started going out with his ugly cousin diet soda. And we got along fine. I mean, he didn’t pull out my chair or open doors or anything, but he could dance okay. And if I shut my eyes real hard, I could pretend he was the real thing. 

But now dear friends, it is time to kick that ugly cousin to the curb. Well, I mean there may still be the occasional booty call, but we won’t be going steady anymore. Stupid healthy living. Grrr. 

So, now my caffeine withdrawals are punching me in the back of the head, and I feel like I have some sort of slower version of mono. But I’m giving it my all. And I’m tired at 10 PM, so mission accomplished I guess. Sigh. 

Caffeine I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!!! I love you! Come baaaaack!

I googled "sexy caffeine" and found this. You're welcome ladies.

Soda-free for five days and counting.